Today marks the day I first met my ex-husband. (It is also my little brother's birthday. Therefore it is ultimately a good day) And instead of being frustrated and upset that he ever entered my life on this day, I am using it as a reset day! Because every new day is a day to start over. And I can honestly say, I AM HAPPY! (FINALLY!)
While married I had to stay on antidepressants and anti-anxieties to just function, just get out of bed in the morning. For the first time in over six years, I am off all medication.
One more time for those in the back row: I am OFF ALL medications!
It feels good to be me.
Over the past few weeks I went through my clothes, jewelry and mementos and I only kept the things that made me smile. Things that honestly only spark happiness. It was hard to let some things go, but in the end I don't want that comfy sweatshirt my ex bought originally. I only want the things that are going to make me happy. He would buy me beautiful jewelry or gifts after he had done something wrong to assuage his guilt. And for things like Christmas. He had excellent taste (He married me after all. And, according to my mom, I'm awesome.). But I found homes for my favorite things (like a gorgeous watch) by finding people who I knew would enjoy and love them. Then it was no guilt. Just happiness knowing I didn't have to look at a beautiful watch that I couldn't bear to wear. Now my aunt gets to wear it and love it!
While married I had to stay on antidepressants and anti-anxieties to just function, just get out of bed in the morning. For the first time in over six years, I am off all medication.
One more time for those in the back row: I am OFF ALL medications!
It feels good to be me.
Over the past few weeks I went through my clothes, jewelry and mementos and I only kept the things that made me smile. Things that honestly only spark happiness. It was hard to let some things go, but in the end I don't want that comfy sweatshirt my ex bought originally. I only want the things that are going to make me happy. He would buy me beautiful jewelry or gifts after he had done something wrong to assuage his guilt. And for things like Christmas. He had excellent taste (He married me after all. And, according to my mom, I'm awesome.). But I found homes for my favorite things (like a gorgeous watch) by finding people who I knew would enjoy and love them. Then it was no guilt. Just happiness knowing I didn't have to look at a beautiful watch that I couldn't bear to wear. Now my aunt gets to wear it and love it!
So today, the day of a new beginning, this is what I am thankful for. This is what my marriage and consequent divorce taught me:
- How to stand up for myself.
- That I AM brave.
- I am an inherently good person.
- How to find the silver lining
- That everyone is doing the best with what they have.
- But that doesn't mean their best has to be good enough for me!
- I have the power to leave. I have the power to choose. I have power.
- When given the choice between dark and light, good and evil I choose good. I go with Luke Skywalker and Dumbledore and Anne Shirley.
- And most importantly: That the Atonement of my Savior is all encompassing. It covers all the gaps. It is more than just remission for my sins, but comfort when hurt, companionship when lonely and the only way to survive unbearable pain.
Today is my day. (Ok, its really my brother's day what with his birthday and all. But this is my blog. I get to be selfish here.) And I get to decide how I'm going to approach it. So to you ex-husband I say, "Thank you! Thanks for the good memories. Thanks for giving me the best baby ever. But most of all, thanks for leaving! I can be truly happy now."
Today I took a big step. Which I will tell you more about tomorrow because I hear that people don't like reading novels via blog form... (Weird.)
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