Something For ME

So yesterday, I started a program called Take Shape for Life (aka TSFL).

Essentially it is a weight loss program. But you know what? For me, it's all about the reset. The restart. The fresh beginning.

Let's be real, losing the extra weight is going to be good too. I truly believe that anyone and everyone is beautiful, and that society has placed a tremendous amount of stress and emphasis on female beauty. I am firmly planted in the Body Positivity movement, but even more so with the research done by Beauty Redefined that is trying to get the emphasis OFF women's appearance and ON to their accomplishments.

But I digress.

I decided to start this program because I was ready to clean house. I put on about 35 lbs of weight in my marriage. And I believe it was my way of coping with the emotional trauma I experienced over the six years. I was never beautiful/thin/attractive enough to be wanted. To be intimate with. And I did everything I could think of to be wanted. I caved on big decisions, followed his "rules" and did everything I could to be his ideal woman. To no avail.

And you can only be told you are undesired for so long before you believe it. Jon Gabriel talks about how people often put on weight to put space between themselves and the world/abusers/uncomfortable situations/etc... And I believe that. When you are living in emotional turmoil weight gain can be more than just the food you eat. It can be a way to disappear into yourself. To make yourself bigger and harder to hurt. You can create a barrier between you and whatever is causing you to hurt. It can be a way of taking up space because you aren't allowed to take up space emotionally or have an opinion. I believe that our bodies do the best they can to interpret our environment and protect against all danger: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

And I believe that the slow and steady rate at which I gained weight involved many of the above mentioned reasons.

Now, I had options. I've been in therapy and worked through many of my emotional triggers and traumas. I could do the choose healthy food and exercise route. Its something I've done before. At the time it was not effective because I was still facing the emotional danger.

I chose to go with TSFL because it was a commitment to ME. I was going to spend the money (something that is hard to come by as a single mom) on ME. I was going to dedicate myself to intense self care. My food would be taken care of. And now, when I wanted comfort I wouldn't have the choice of tacos or chicken tenders, nope. I would have to figure out WHY I wanted comfort and find a different way to take care of myself. I no longer could rely on copious amounts of Diet Coke. Nope! Sleep. I have to give my body what it so desperately needed.

I am exploring what really makes me joyful. Tacos, they make me happy. Reading a book that makes me feel and think and grow, that makes me joyful. Caramel chocolate, makes me happy. Waking up refreshed and ready to get out of bed. That makes me joyful.

So I am doing this for ME. This is MY time. I get to be a priority. I get to become healthy. I get to stand in the sun. And I'm so excited.

Today

Today marks the day I first met my ex-husband. (It is also my little brother's birthday. Therefore it is ultimately a good day) And instead of being frustrated and upset that he ever entered my life on this day, I am using it as a reset day! Because every new day is a day to start over. And I can honestly say, I AM HAPPY! (FINALLY!)

While married I had to stay on antidepressants and anti-anxieties to just function, just get out of bed in the morning.  For the first time in over six years, I am off all medication.

One more time for those in the back row: I am OFF ALL medications!

It feels good to be me.

Over the past few weeks I went through my clothes, jewelry and mementos and I only kept the things that made me smile. Things that honestly only spark happiness. It was hard to let some things go, but in the end I don't want that comfy sweatshirt my ex bought originally. I only want the things that are going to make me happy. He would buy me beautiful jewelry or gifts after he had done something wrong to assuage his guilt. And for things like Christmas. He had excellent taste (He married me after all. And, according to my mom, I'm awesome.). But I found homes for my favorite things (like a gorgeous watch) by finding people who I knew would enjoy and love them. Then it was no guilt. Just happiness knowing I didn't have to look at a beautiful watch that I couldn't bear to wear. Now my aunt gets to wear it and love it!

So today, the day of a new beginning, this is what I am thankful for. This is what my marriage and consequent divorce taught me:

• How to stand up for myself.
• That I AM brave.
• I am an inherently good person.
• How to find the silver lining
• That everyone is doing the best with what they have.
• But that doesn't mean their best has to be good enough for me!
• I have the power to leave. I have the power to choose. I have power.
• When given the choice between dark and light, good and evil I choose good. I go with Luke Skywalker and Dumbledore and Anne Shirley.
• And most importantly: That the Atonement of my Savior is all encompassing. It covers all the gaps. It is more than just remission for my sins, but comfort when hurt, companionship when lonely and the only way to survive unbearable pain.

Today is my day. (Ok, its really my brother's day what with his birthday and all. But this is my blog. I get to be selfish here.) And I get to decide how I'm going to approach it. So to you ex-husband I say, "Thank you! Thanks for the good memories. Thanks for giving me the best baby ever. But most of all, thanks for leaving! I can be truly happy now."

Today I took a big step. Which I will tell you more about tomorrow because I hear that people don't like reading novels via blog form... (Weird.)